


Instead

by glitterpop



Series: instead [1]
Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2014-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-26 14:03:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2654681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterpop/pseuds/glitterpop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It should have been me,” he said softly, then thought of Hiro standing in front of Tadashi’s grave. “It should have been me,” he said again, horrified at the thought of leaving his brother alone in the world, but knowing it would be better than this. Anything would be better than this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Instead

**Author's Note:**

> Why do I keep doing this.
> 
> So I actually saw this idea two or three times floating around Tumblr, about what would happen if Hiro had died in the explosion instead. And it's awful and heart-wrenching and I love it, of course. I thought about going through the whole film, and I still might. I think instead of doing chapters, I would just do different parts though? We'll see.
> 
> But this isn't the whole movie, it's just that one scene with a bit added on. I hope you guys like this.

“Yeah, but Professor Callaghan is still in there!”

Tadashi felt his heart skip a beat. He whipped his head back towards the burning building, panic clawing at his heels. Was Callaghan trapped? Maybe he was disoriented, stumbling to find his way out of the burning wreck of the convention hall. The fire had just started, there was no way that he wasn’t still alive in there. If people were running _out,_ and he could feel determination take place of the panic, if they were running out then he could run _in._

Except right as he took his first running step, he felt Hiro dash past him and towards the building.

If he had been scared at the thought of his Professor still in the building as it burned, it was nothing compared to the terror he felt as he leapt at his brother. Heart dead weight in his throat, he barely managed to snag the back of Hiro’s jacket and stop him from running.

“Hiro! What do you think you’re doing?!”

“If I can get to the transmitter, I can save Callaghan!” Hiro replied, turning to look at his brother and struggling to get Tadashi to let him go.

[like hell like hell I won’t let go I won’t lose you brother brother little brother]

“Don’t you dare! I’ll go in!” And he didn’t mean to yell, he really didn’t, but panic does funny things to people. He yanked hard on Hiro’s jacket, intending to throw him back so he could run forward. The weight on the end of his arm got suddenly lighter though, and instead of throwing Hiro back behind him, he found himself falling from the force of his pull. On the ground, on his ass, he looked at the empty jacket in his hand for a stunned moment before looking up and seeing his little brother dash into the flames.

Hiro had unzipped his jacket while he had been struggling against Tadashi, and he hadn’t even noticed.

“Hiro!” he screamed, leaping to his feet and sprinting towards the building.

A burst of heat and pressure knocked into him, throwing him backwards a second time, before the sound hit. A deafening roar, like thunder in the sky to a terrified four year old, like a God whispering in your ear. Like the world falling down on Tadashi’s shoulders. He looked at the building, the black and orange shell of the aftermath of the explosion.

He looked at his brother’s tomb and screamed.

He screamed until paramedics sedated him, and he fell out of the nightmare that had suddenly become his life.

-

The funeral was quiet and filled with strangers. People mourning for a beloved teacher, mourning for a young boy none of them had known. Whispering behind hands afterwards how sad it was, so young, how brave he had been. Tadashi pretended not to hear it.

His friends huddled close to him when they stood in front of the empty grave

[no body to recover nothing nothing ashes ashes nothing left of fourteen years of laughter and tears and love]

with nothing but a marker with Hiro’s name on it, his date of birth and death. His aunt curled close to his side, crying into her hand, trying to muffle her distress. Gogo stood close to Aunt Cass, her hand holding the woman’s arm silently, and Honey Lemon stood next to him. Her arm was wrapped around his waist, holding him close, protecting him from the pitying stares of those around him. Fred and Wasabi stood behind them, gently deflecting people away from them as they grieved for a life that should have never ended, not like this.

He stayed behind as everyone left to the Café to gather and share and remember.

Sitting on the ground, he could feel the cold damp of mud from last night’s rain seep through the seat of his pants. That was fine though. It was fine, he figured, tracing the letters of his brother’s name. Maybe he deserved it, after all. Maybe he deserved worse.

“It should have been me,” he said softly, then thought of Hiro standing in front of Tadashi’s grave. “It should have been me,” he said again, horrified at the thought of leaving his brother alone in the world, but knowing it would be better than this. Anything would be better than this.

He stayed there for long minutes, memorizing the way Hiro’s name was carved into the stone, remembering the way Hiro would laugh, the gap in his smile. He thought of how small he had been, so small and warm, a tiny bundle following close behind his older brother, poking and prodding to annoy. He thought of all the unfinished projects waiting in the garage, having been set aside so Hiro could work on the microbots. He thought of how Hiro had slowly and steadily claimed more and more of their shared room for himself, how he had let it happen, wanting Hiro to be comfortable in any way he could.

He thought of Hiro, unmoving in his sleep, slowly collecting dust over time as years and years flew by.

He stayed there until he couldn’t breathe anymore, and got up to find his parents.

They were buried next to each other, just a few minutes away from where an empty casket now rested. He remembered standing here for the first time, so young and lost, a much smaller Hiro holding his hand next to him. He’d cried and cried and cried, but he’d had to stop crying and take care of his younger brother, who didn’t fully understand what had happened.

“I’m sorry,” he said now, years away from that moment, but still feeling young and lost. “I’m sorry, I failed. I promised I would take care of him, and I couldn’t even manage that. I… He must be with you now. You love him just as much as you did alive, I’m sure. Hiro is wonderful.” He felt his eyes burning, didn’t want to cry, but who was there to see? Who was there to be strong for anymore? What did it matter?

“I understand if you’re disappointed, or if you hate me now. He was so young… I should have done more. It’s my fault. If I hadn’t pushed him to apply…” He felt like he was breathing, could feel his lungs expand. He wasn’t sure how he was managing it, through a throat that had closed off, through tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “I know you’ll take care of him. I hope one day you guys can forgive me. I hope one day he can forgive me.”

He cried and cried and cried, but this time there was no one to hold his hand.

-

He’d had intentions of finding his Aunt and staying close to her when he got home. He’d wanted to find his friends and make a circle to protect them from the loss. He hadn’t wanted to be alone, not when it felt like he was tearing apart from the inside out.

He got home though, and saw all the people in the space he had lived in with his brother. He saw them with their downturned faces and warm drinks and soft, rounded shoulders and couldn’t. He couldn’t stand in a crowd of people that hadn’t known his brother. He couldn’t stand with people as they looked at him with wet eyes, telling him how sorry they were. What did they know? Would they be sorry if they knew that Tadashi had let his brother run to his death?

Instead, he found himself curled up on his bed, clutching the jacket he had pulled off Hiro’s body close to his chest. He thought he would cry more, but only hiccupping breaths would come.

He wasn’t surprised when his friends found him soon after.

Gogo and Fred curled up on either side of him, fencing him in with their warmth, while Honey crawled up to the head of the bed. She gently took his head and placed it in her lap, combing through his hair with her fingers. He felt rather than saw Wasabi lay down near his feet. No one said anything to him, the only sound to be heard the soft murmurs of everybody downstairs. Honey began to hum, something soft and sweet, to drown out the unfamiliar noise.

Tadashi fell asleep that way, surrounded and empty and alone.

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys wanna cry over Big Hero 6 with me I'm over on [Tumblr](http://www.glitterpukesoul.tumblr.com)


End file.
